Just because someone claims to be a "Christian" and attends church faithfully every Sunday morning and night does not make them a good person. I figured since Halloween is fast approaching in a few days, I'd offer a few safety tips for survival. This doesn't apply just for Halloween, but for all year long. This also involves spooks and specters that you probably won't be seeing anywhere on the streets dressed in costume. Not in your atypical Samhain attire, in any case.
These people wear business suits, polo shirts, khakis, loafers, tennis shoes, glasses, closely cropped hair, and huge, shit-eating grins. They go to church whenever possible, do charity work, are in the Freemasons, love their parents, and some are even preachers.
These people are not really people at all, you see, but monsters. They are the ones you should fear. At night they fantasize about rape, murder, molesting children, kidnapping, robbery, assault, and all types of bloodshed that baby Jesus would simply not approve of. But in their eyes, they can do no wrong---because they call themselves "Christians".
Watch out for these people, because they are everywhere, infiltrating your schools, your workplace, and maybe even your home.
Wolves in sheep's clothing...that is the red flag you should be watching out for this Halloween season, and all year long.
1) Beware preachers who spend too much time with little children. They are probably pedophiles.
2) Stay away from weird Southern "snake handler" churches. These usually turn out to be cults.
3) Don't believe everything someone tells you simply because they go to church.
4) Actions speak louder than words. If someone creeps you out and does creepy things, to hell with their "Christian" label. Get as far away from them as possible.
5) Just stay away from church period. Unless you want to die. Or unless you're attending a funeral, in which case someone's already dead, so I guess it doesn't matter at that point.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Top Ten Signs Someone You Know Needs to Get Laid...
10) Their conversation consists of, "And then I played Xbox for 30 hours straight over the weekend!"
9) A typical date night consists of playing Scrabble with their mom and dad.
8) WoW is not a game, it's a lifestyle, bitches.
7) They cook more than they eat what they've cooked. This results in thousands of Tupperware containers full of strange dishes piled around the kitchen and in the fridge.
6) They eat about a pound of chocolate a day, and it's not because they have a sweet tooth.
5) They're grouchy all the time. Even when watching something cheerful. Like cartoons.
4) When you make a "That's what she said!" joke, they don't get it.
3) When they think of snuggling in bed, they think of sleeping.
2) When someone of the opposite/same sex (depending on their preference) walks by in a tight t-shirt, they nearly jizz their pants.
And the number one sign someone you know needs to get laid...
1) The are starting to develop tell-tale calluses.
Yes, even women can get rough spots from double-clicking their mouse too much, so don't think I'm talking about just men here.
9) A typical date night consists of playing Scrabble with their mom and dad.
8) WoW is not a game, it's a lifestyle, bitches.
7) They cook more than they eat what they've cooked. This results in thousands of Tupperware containers full of strange dishes piled around the kitchen and in the fridge.
6) They eat about a pound of chocolate a day, and it's not because they have a sweet tooth.
5) They're grouchy all the time. Even when watching something cheerful. Like cartoons.
4) When you make a "That's what she said!" joke, they don't get it.
3) When they think of snuggling in bed, they think of sleeping.
2) When someone of the opposite/same sex (depending on their preference) walks by in a tight t-shirt, they nearly jizz their pants.
And the number one sign someone you know needs to get laid...
1) The are starting to develop tell-tale calluses.
Yes, even women can get rough spots from double-clicking their mouse too much, so don't think I'm talking about just men here.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Suspicion Keeps You Alive...
There should be very few people on this planet whom you trust. If you trust more than ten people, you're probably a naive, ignorant buttmunch. Just sayin'.
Most people want to see you fail. This is because most people, as a general whole, are a bunch of general a-holes. That is the truth, whether or not you choose to see it. People, for the most part, are uncreative, droll, boring, vindictive, and spiteful. They are spiteful because they are uncreative and droll and boring, and if you are the anti- of all of those adjectives, they will especially see you as a threat.
So beware the bearers of bad news. Generally, they are trying to give you bad news because they want to ruffle your feathers. They want to see you upset because it is one of the only pleasures they have in life. Don't give them the satisfaction. Fight the haters at all cost. Drown them in their own hater-ade.
Most people want to see you fail. This is because most people, as a general whole, are a bunch of general a-holes. That is the truth, whether or not you choose to see it. People, for the most part, are uncreative, droll, boring, vindictive, and spiteful. They are spiteful because they are uncreative and droll and boring, and if you are the anti- of all of those adjectives, they will especially see you as a threat.
So beware the bearers of bad news. Generally, they are trying to give you bad news because they want to ruffle your feathers. They want to see you upset because it is one of the only pleasures they have in life. Don't give them the satisfaction. Fight the haters at all cost. Drown them in their own hater-ade.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Insert Fabricated Image Here.
Image is everything, or that is what we are told from a very young age. Women are pressured to stay thin, trim, fit, blonde, classy, manicured---and subservient. That is the image of "woman" to many people in our so-called "modern" society. People don't seem to realize that women can be more disgusting, taller, more crude, more violent, or more productive than some of their male counterparts.
Men are supposed to be tall, muscular, clean-cut, intelligent, thoughtful, and all executives or lawyers. Then there's the stereotype of the ruggedly handsome "manly-man" who is a construction worker or demolition dude, and his washboard abs ripple under the beads of sweat collected on a hot summer day. People don't seem to realize that most construction workers (or at least, the ones around here) are dirty bums with less teeth than a Jack O' Lantern and they all smell like poo-bars.
But a lot of people care what their image says about them, so they carefully construct one to fit their needs, or more than likely, the needs of those around them. They never figure out their true identity, and they're constantly wandering about aimlessly, hoping and praying behind clenched teeth that no one will ever ask them, "So tell me about yourself."
It's like Katie Holmes' character in the movie Abandon says, "My self is very objective and constantly changing."
She's not the only one.
Men are supposed to be tall, muscular, clean-cut, intelligent, thoughtful, and all executives or lawyers. Then there's the stereotype of the ruggedly handsome "manly-man" who is a construction worker or demolition dude, and his washboard abs ripple under the beads of sweat collected on a hot summer day. People don't seem to realize that most construction workers (or at least, the ones around here) are dirty bums with less teeth than a Jack O' Lantern and they all smell like poo-bars.
But a lot of people care what their image says about them, so they carefully construct one to fit their needs, or more than likely, the needs of those around them. They never figure out their true identity, and they're constantly wandering about aimlessly, hoping and praying behind clenched teeth that no one will ever ask them, "So tell me about yourself."
It's like Katie Holmes' character in the movie Abandon says, "My self is very objective and constantly changing."
She's not the only one.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Dead Baby Jokes (Minus the Jokes)
Abortion is a very heated topic in this country, and probably in many countries around the world. I'm not even sure what the rules are in various countries concerning abortion, and I don't much care to bother with it at the moment because other countries' rules don't affect me at the present time.
Anyway, there have been a lot of news stories on Yahoo lately about women killing their children. Abusing them in various ways; locking them in closets and torturing them because they were hungry or fussy, and even a case in North Carolina where a 16-year-old girl killed her baby and then hid it in a broom closet, conveniently leaving that small detail out when she reported it to the police.
Most conservative people's religious views will not allow them to even consider having an abortion, nor condoning a loved one or even an acquaintance to have one (sometimes no matter how drastic the circumstances may be). A lot of abortion clinics have been blown up over the years, and it still remains a huge issue in this country despite the verdict of Roe vs. Wade and many Democrats' attempts to keep a woman's choice her actual, legitimate own choice.
For those of you who say you'd never have an abortion and can't condone them, I ask you to ponder this little question: what difference does it make if a woman aborts her baby or abuses it and then kills it after it's born? Not much of a difference, really, except in the first scenario, the fetus is not tortured before it exits this world. I think the world would be a better place if people would just be rid of their children before they ever even become children.
Crime rates would be down. There would be less child abuses cases and probably less murder and theft. A lot of children who are abused at a young age grow up to become delinquints and then full-blown criminals. What if they had never been born to start with?
It's worth thinking about the next time you want to say something nasty to the girl next door who slipped up and got pregnant but is making the responsible decision to abort the pregnancy before the baby grows up and she beats her kid into a life of crime.
Anyway, there have been a lot of news stories on Yahoo lately about women killing their children. Abusing them in various ways; locking them in closets and torturing them because they were hungry or fussy, and even a case in North Carolina where a 16-year-old girl killed her baby and then hid it in a broom closet, conveniently leaving that small detail out when she reported it to the police.
Most conservative people's religious views will not allow them to even consider having an abortion, nor condoning a loved one or even an acquaintance to have one (sometimes no matter how drastic the circumstances may be). A lot of abortion clinics have been blown up over the years, and it still remains a huge issue in this country despite the verdict of Roe vs. Wade and many Democrats' attempts to keep a woman's choice her actual, legitimate own choice.
For those of you who say you'd never have an abortion and can't condone them, I ask you to ponder this little question: what difference does it make if a woman aborts her baby or abuses it and then kills it after it's born? Not much of a difference, really, except in the first scenario, the fetus is not tortured before it exits this world. I think the world would be a better place if people would just be rid of their children before they ever even become children.
Crime rates would be down. There would be less child abuses cases and probably less murder and theft. A lot of children who are abused at a young age grow up to become delinquints and then full-blown criminals. What if they had never been born to start with?
It's worth thinking about the next time you want to say something nasty to the girl next door who slipped up and got pregnant but is making the responsible decision to abort the pregnancy before the baby grows up and she beats her kid into a life of crime.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Human Waste Management
I don't mind following rules, as long as they apply to everyone. But as soon as rules are only for me, that's when I start to get pissed off and shoot my middle finger to whoever dares to enforce said "rules". That's the thought for the day.
If you are going to speak your mind and fight injustice in your world, whether it's a high phone bill that you feel you shouldn't pay because the taxes are too damn high or food that sucks so you complain to the cashier at McDonald's, you are going to face some serious opposition. In this world, people want you to sit back and let them rape you right up the ass with a splintered two by four. Most sheep-like idiots are perfectly content with letting the world do this to them. Those of us who stand alone, who fight alone, and who roam the confines of this prison otherwise known as life---we know better.
But no matter how much people try to bring you down, you have to fight for what you believe in. Even if you're the only person on the planet who thinks that you are correct, that's enough. Nobody else came out of the womb but you when you were born (unless you were a twin), and nobody will be buried with you in your coffin when you die (unless someone tries to rob your grave and then is caught and killed and tossed in your coffin to dispose of evidence). You have to live life for yourself.
If the price you pay is being ostracized by everybody because you don't like being treated like shit at work or school, or you don't like how loud your neighbors blast their surround sound speakers through the wall to cover up the horrible animal-esque sounds of their copulation...so be it. Someday, you will find someone, or maybe even several someones...a group of non-conformist someones...who will accept you for who you are, listen to your problems, and fight the good fight with you.
So fight the good fight. Never give in.
If you are going to speak your mind and fight injustice in your world, whether it's a high phone bill that you feel you shouldn't pay because the taxes are too damn high or food that sucks so you complain to the cashier at McDonald's, you are going to face some serious opposition. In this world, people want you to sit back and let them rape you right up the ass with a splintered two by four. Most sheep-like idiots are perfectly content with letting the world do this to them. Those of us who stand alone, who fight alone, and who roam the confines of this prison otherwise known as life---we know better.
But no matter how much people try to bring you down, you have to fight for what you believe in. Even if you're the only person on the planet who thinks that you are correct, that's enough. Nobody else came out of the womb but you when you were born (unless you were a twin), and nobody will be buried with you in your coffin when you die (unless someone tries to rob your grave and then is caught and killed and tossed in your coffin to dispose of evidence). You have to live life for yourself.
If the price you pay is being ostracized by everybody because you don't like being treated like shit at work or school, or you don't like how loud your neighbors blast their surround sound speakers through the wall to cover up the horrible animal-esque sounds of their copulation...so be it. Someday, you will find someone, or maybe even several someones...a group of non-conformist someones...who will accept you for who you are, listen to your problems, and fight the good fight with you.
So fight the good fight. Never give in.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's Almost That Time Again!
Ahhh, yes. My favorite time of year (next to the beginning of summer). When the leaves begin to change, the weather gets slightly cooler to the point where jeans are more comfortable than shorts, and it's perfectly OK to grab a light jacket in the morning or later in the evening.
I love fall. I hate winter, but I do love fall, spring, and summer. Fall ushers in one of my favorite holidays ever; my Christmas, aka Halloween. I fucking love Halloween. I always have, ever since I was a child. My father comes from religious crazy parents and he attempts to be fanatically God-stupid every now and then, so I wasn't allowed to trick-or-treat until my parents divorced. I wasn't allowed to even think about Halloween. But now I think about it all the time, even when it's not time for it to officially be here by the calendar on my wall.
But the Spirit Halloween store is now officially open, and I've already started buying items there. I bought a studded headband the other week, and just this past weekend a life-size Freddy Krueger poster for my bedroom window. Although, I'm thinking I may just put it on the inside of my bathroom window since I don't have blinds there anymore. I'm not a fan of anyone watching me shower or wipe my ass.
This is the perfect time of the year to buy makeup, earrings, and clothing that normally aren't sold for weirdos like me...and possibly you, since you are reading this, after all. And in about another month, nothing but scary movies will be on TV non-stop! A new TV show is also premiering on FX on October 5th called American Horror Story. I hope it will be good. I don't watch much TV, and it would be nice to know there's a new show I could follow. The question is, will it continue on after Halloween is over? If it's any good, I sure hope so.
I love fall. I hate winter, but I do love fall, spring, and summer. Fall ushers in one of my favorite holidays ever; my Christmas, aka Halloween. I fucking love Halloween. I always have, ever since I was a child. My father comes from religious crazy parents and he attempts to be fanatically God-stupid every now and then, so I wasn't allowed to trick-or-treat until my parents divorced. I wasn't allowed to even think about Halloween. But now I think about it all the time, even when it's not time for it to officially be here by the calendar on my wall.
But the Spirit Halloween store is now officially open, and I've already started buying items there. I bought a studded headband the other week, and just this past weekend a life-size Freddy Krueger poster for my bedroom window. Although, I'm thinking I may just put it on the inside of my bathroom window since I don't have blinds there anymore. I'm not a fan of anyone watching me shower or wipe my ass.
This is the perfect time of the year to buy makeup, earrings, and clothing that normally aren't sold for weirdos like me...and possibly you, since you are reading this, after all. And in about another month, nothing but scary movies will be on TV non-stop! A new TV show is also premiering on FX on October 5th called American Horror Story. I hope it will be good. I don't watch much TV, and it would be nice to know there's a new show I could follow. The question is, will it continue on after Halloween is over? If it's any good, I sure hope so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)