Thursday, October 27, 2011

Why Church and Church Folk Should Scare You

   Just because someone claims to be a "Christian" and attends church faithfully every Sunday morning and night does not make them a good person. I figured since Halloween is fast approaching in a few days, I'd offer a few safety tips for survival. This doesn't apply just for Halloween, but for all year long. This also involves spooks and specters that you probably won't be seeing anywhere on the streets dressed in costume. Not in your atypical Samhain attire, in any case.
   These people wear business suits, polo shirts, khakis, loafers, tennis shoes, glasses, closely cropped hair, and huge, shit-eating grins. They go to church whenever possible, do charity work, are in the Freemasons, love their parents, and some are even preachers.
   These people are not really people at all, you see, but monsters. They are the ones you should fear. At night they fantasize about rape, murder, molesting children, kidnapping, robbery, assault, and all types of bloodshed that baby Jesus would simply not approve of. But in their eyes, they can do no wrong---because they call themselves "Christians".
   Watch out for these people, because they are everywhere, infiltrating your schools, your workplace, and maybe even your home.
   Wolves in sheep's clothing...that is the red flag you should be watching out for this Halloween season, and all year long.

1) Beware preachers who spend too much time with little children. They are probably pedophiles.
2) Stay away from weird Southern "snake handler" churches. These usually turn out to be cults.
3) Don't believe everything someone tells you simply because they go to church.
4) Actions speak louder than words. If someone creeps you out and does creepy things, to hell with their "Christian" label. Get as far away from them as possible.
5) Just stay away from church period. Unless you want to die. Or unless you're attending a funeral, in which case someone's already dead, so I guess it doesn't matter at that point.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Top Ten Signs Someone You Know Needs to Get Laid...

10) Their conversation consists of, "And then I played Xbox for 30 hours straight over the weekend!"
9) A typical date night consists of playing Scrabble with their mom and dad.
8) WoW is not a game, it's a lifestyle, bitches.
7) They cook more than they eat what they've cooked. This results in thousands of Tupperware containers full of strange dishes piled around the kitchen and in the fridge.
6) They eat about a pound of chocolate a day, and it's not because they have a sweet tooth.
5) They're grouchy all the time. Even when watching something cheerful. Like cartoons.
4) When you make a "That's what she said!" joke, they don't get it.
3) When they think of snuggling in bed, they think of sleeping.
2) When someone of the opposite/same sex (depending on their preference) walks by in a tight t-shirt, they nearly jizz their pants.

And the number one sign someone you know needs to get laid...

1) The are starting to develop tell-tale calluses.

Yes, even women can get rough spots from double-clicking their mouse too much, so don't think I'm talking about just men here.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Suspicion Keeps You Alive...

   There should be very few people on this planet whom you trust. If you trust more than ten people, you're probably a naive, ignorant buttmunch. Just sayin'.

   Most people want to see you fail. This is because most people, as a general whole, are a bunch of general a-holes. That is the truth, whether or not you choose to see it. People, for the most part, are uncreative, droll, boring, vindictive, and spiteful. They are spiteful because they are uncreative and droll and boring, and if you are the anti- of all of those adjectives, they will especially see you as a threat.

   So beware the bearers of bad news. Generally, they are trying to give you bad news because they want to ruffle your feathers. They want to see you upset because it is one of the only pleasures they have in life. Don't give them the satisfaction. Fight the haters at all cost. Drown them in their own hater-ade.