Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Pseudo-Authority Figures (And Why They're More Pathetic Than Your Local Hobo)

   Today I'm going to touch on a topic that's been eating away at me for a couple of weeks now. I'm not going to delve too deeply into it, but just share a few theories and a few examples to back them up.

   We've all had them in our lives at one time or another. The older woman who feels like she has a right to tell you how many times to fuck your husband because she thinks she's your mom. The husband or boyfriend who tries to map out every move you make because he's either consciously or subconsciously trying to fill the role of your father. And then at work, you have the people who have been given positions of very limited authority, if any at all, who try to be your boss.

   My theories? Women who try to tell you what to do are trying to make up for lost time with their own children. They are trying to fix what they believe went wrong in their own children by trying to force you to be their "kid".

   Men who try to tell you what to do, especially the ones who fill a romantic role in your life but are trying to do otherwise, have a problem with their masculinity. They figure telling you what to do will make them feel like their balls are heavier than the average male's. "Why aren't they trying to pretend to be my father like the example you used above?" you may ask. "That sounds awfully sexist to me."

   Well, it's not. But if you want to think that, go right ahead. I won't stop you.

   The answer to that is: I've never met a man who wanted to be someone else's father. Men have enough trouble filling their biological roles as fathers as it is. Why would they want to pick up "children" that don't belong to them already?
   Women are inclined to have maternal instincts, so this is why I give these theories. Of course, some women are just downright nosy as fuck. That's another reason why they like to tell you what to do.

   And for the last example, my favorite: the people at work who try to be your pseudo-boss with pseudo-authority. They are usually workaholics who have no hobbies, no intelligence, no creativity...no other outlets in which to purge their stress. They figure if they can pretend like they're important enough to boss you around, their life has some meaning. Even hobos have hobbies. They sit on street corners, drink wine, and like to convince you to buy them some more. See? Pathetic!!

   The best way to handle all of these people? Tell them politely to fuck off. If that doesn't work, tell them outright to fuck off. Nobody has a right to tell you what to do except your parents, and that's only until you're 18. Once you get of "legal age", you're an adult and you should be making your own decisions. Even if they turn out to be mistakes, they are yours to make.

   I only suggest listening to police officers and your actual boss, and that's only if they are telling you the "right" things to do. Your heart, even if it is as black as mine, will always lead you in the right direction with that one.

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