Monday, August 22, 2011

Why Being Nice is Bad For Your Health

                People who say they get warm, fuzzy feelings when they do good deeds for others are probably mistaking that sensation for menstrual cramps. Yes, men too; I don’t care what anybody says. Doing good deeds for people you don’t know does NOT give you a sense of pride and accomplishment unless your brain is made of popsicle sticks.
                In actuality, if you’re willing to admit it to yourself and accept your inner cackling demon, doing horrible things to people makes you feel good about yourself. Think about it this way: you’re in Walmart, and you have to go get a bottle of multi-vitamins because you recently had the flu and you’re trying to build up your immune system. You’re weak, tired, and a little cranky…and reasonably so. You want to get in and get out, so to speak. You only  have one thing on your list. So what’s going to be the issue you deal with today?
                Well, pals and neighbors, you’re going to end up running smack dab into an 8-year-old little shit who’s wearing Healys (those God-forsaken shoes with little wheels on them to maximize aggravation for everyone but the child). That Healy-hellion is going to run into you, cause you to trip and fall because of your dizziness due to a recent illness, and you are going to tumble onto the hard linoleum floor of Walmart and possibly bust open a kneecap.
                “Sorry!” the little kid will sheepishly smile, and that smile will tell you what he’s really thinking: that he’s not sorry at all. Why? He had no proper raising. But that’s another blog for another time. I digress.
                You can’t possibly tell me that if you start carrying around a bag of marbles in your pocket and if you take out said marbles and accidentally-on-purpose dump them onto the floor near a child wearing Healys in Walmart that you will not giggle like a demented schoolgirl when they tumble to the floor and skin their knees, boo-hooing and braying like the sheep that they are.
                If you tell me no on this one, you’re lying. And everybody knows Jesus hates liars.
                The next time you have something that you want, try being mean about it instead of being nice. I guarantee you’ll get positive results. People respond to mean; they take advantage of nice. If you learn nothing else from me, learn that, please.

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